


True Faith

by ColorfulStabwound



Series: A Million Little Pieces [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Love, M/M, Open Relationships, POV Second Person, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-23
Updated: 2014-09-23
Packaged: 2018-02-18 11:54:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2347580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColorfulStabwound/pseuds/ColorfulStabwound
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You will always remember the precise moment your entire life changed and the way it stopped your heart. It was late August and the leaves had already started turning. There was a cool breeze whipping across the surface of the lake and you can still feel the arctic mist as it peppered your face and dampened the strands of your hair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	True Faith

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [He Should Treat You Like a Prince](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2302370) by [unkissed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/unkissed/pseuds/unkissed). 



> Because our babies were asking for it. ;) The events in this piece mirror the events in the piece listed by my muse, writing partner, cohort, and friend, Unkissed.
> 
> For Albus, our favorite boy in the band.

It was the last weeks of summer holiday when your world came crashing down around you.

 

You will always remember the precise moment your entire life changed and the way it stopped your heart. It was late August and the leaves had already started turning. There was a cool breeze whipping across the surface of the lake and you can still feel the arctic mist as it peppered your face and dampened the strands of your hair.

 

He had brought you down to the by the water to talk; he had been avoiding telling you something important. You can always tell when Albus has things unsaid; you know him better than you know yourself and you couldn’t possibly miss the way his brows creased together or the faint tug at the corner of his mouth, like he was inwardly wringing his hands and trying to avoid the inevitable.

 

You were terrified of that look in his eyes because you knew it meant something dreadful and you were too happy to cry or wonder what you’d done wrong.

 

“What is it?” You asked him with a shaky breath, and you couldn’t even look at him because you knew that the sadness in his eyes would break your heart.

 

You’ve seen sadness behind other people’s eyes too many times; more than you’d readily admit. You weren’t supposed to see it when you looked at him.

 

“I…I’m not going back to Hogwarts, Scor.” His voice was low like a whisper and although there were so many more words he said after, you didn’t hear any of it.

 

Suddenly, your entire world was spinning out of control and tilting on its axis and all you felt was the dread and despair rising up inside of you like vomit. You felt so sick that you leaned forward, hands splayed out on the wooden dock you were sitting on; you could have dropped right into the black water and you probably wouldn’t have even known it. Your chest heaved with unshed tears that you hadn’t asked for, and as you peered down at your watery reflection on the liquid surface, you felt like you wanted to die.

 

Albus, for his part, was a bundle of guilt and regret beside you because it killed him to see you like this. He never, ever wanted to be the reason for your tears, and here he was, pulling them out of you like some sort of sick joke.

 

“I’m sorry Scor, please look at me.” His hand was resting on your shoulder tentatively and you could feel his fingers shaking through the layers you wore.

 

“Why would you do this to us?” You can’t even look at him and your insides are still a threatening mass of acid and upset. You don’t want to hear the answer, not really.

 

You already know why he’s leaving and you should be happy for him; but you’re not because you are selfish and want him to yourself.

 

“I didn’t mean for it to be like this, the timing is shit, I know. But it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity for the band…” He’s talking fast like he does when he’s nervous and your eyes squeeze shut so tight that you see white spots; as if that could shut him up.

 

“How am I supposed to live without you?” Your whisper is so faint it’s nearly inaudible, and for a long time you think that maybe he didn’t even hear it because he doesn’t say anything.  “I don’t know how.” You add and your chest heaves with a silent sob.

 

This can’t be happening. This cant be happening. It can’t.

 

“Please look at me, Scor.” His shaking fingers are curling into your shoulder firmly now, and he’s trying to turn you around to face him because he needs to see the tears streaming down your cheeks so he will always be reminded of how awful it feels to be the cause of your pain.

 

You can’t indulge him; you just can’t.

 

Your nose is stuffy and your eyes are blurry with tears and when you jerk your shoulder roughly out of his grasp, you miscalculate just how close you are to the edge of the dock.

 

The moment the freezing water hits you, you are gasping and your limbs are stiffening because you are not fucking prepared for this. You gulp in more water than you should have; you are not a novice swimmer, this shouldn’t be so difficult to weather. There is a brief moment when your head drops below the surface and when your eyes open under water you see nothing at all and you still and wonder if this is how the next year will seem to you. 

 

A hand curls into the back of your water-logged shirt and drags you back to the surface and you can only just register that it is Albus as he tugs you out of the water with a force you hadn’t known he possessed. Your fingers are numb and scrambling for purchase on the dock and by the time you are out of the water, you are both soaking wet.

 

“What’s the matter with you, Scor!” Albus’ voice sounds like a shriek in your clogged ears and when you finally lift your gaze to look up at him, you don’t miss the terror in his eyes and you grimly think that it is better than sadness any day.

 

“Accident.” You stutter through chattering teeth and when he drops down on his knees and folds his arms around you, you sink into the embrace and you cry because it has never felt this cold to you before and you are afraid it isn’t the water.

 

You have no idea how much time passes because Albus has always had this uncanny ability to stop your world from rotating. His fingers are twisted in your hair and he’s clinging to you like he’s afraid you might dissolve into nothing, and it is right here that you feel him shaking with the tears that you have already cried.

 

When he helps you up and leads you back to the manor you let him and you say nothing because you are concentrating on not falling down. Every part of you aches; the cold and the despair war within you for dominance and you are relieved when he practically drags you into your room and closes the door.

 

There are no words as he strips off your wet clothes, layer by layer. You watch him silently from behind swollen and red eyes as he works, his brows knitted together and his bottom lip caught between his teeth in a portrait that usually melted your heart.

 

You are shivering violently when he pulls back the thick duvet on your bed and tells you to “get in.” The sheets are warm from a heating charm and your eyes roll back behind your eyelids because the sudden shift in temperature makes your skin burn and tingle. It takes him mere moments to strip off his own wet clothes and slide into your bed beside you and when he holds his arms open for you, you drop against him with a heavy sigh and hold on to him so tightly that he might never escape.

 

For a long time you lie with him just like this; his arms folding you up in a protective embrace and your cheek pressed against his chest. The rhythmic thud of his pulse soothes you and as your body slowly begins the process of thawing out, it brings all of the pain of his earlier confession rushing back.

 

“Please don’t leave me.” You whimper as you lift your head to peer down at him. The look in his eyes cracks your heart and you instantly feel guilty for being so selfish. 

 

When he tries to speak you silence him with a kiss because you don’t know if you can take the words that he surely will say. Your relationship has never been about pain or sadness and you just want it to go back to the way it was because you love him too much to see your heartbreak mirrored in his gaze.

 

Your lips part minimally and you stare down at him, quietly appreciating the subtle twitch of his nose as he pants soft, open-mouthed breaths against your face. You want to tell him that it is okay and that you understand, but you don’t know how. His skin against yours is warm and you don’t want to think about how it will feel when he’s gone. His fingertips trace gently up your spine and you sigh softly and your eyes flutter closed.

 

“I love you.” You say with your eyes still shut because you want to hide the sadness behind your words. You know he doesn’t deserve your guilt but you can’t help yourself because he’s never made you feel like this before. Even though you’ve always been first in Albus’ life, you never shed that faint worry in the back of your mind that he would outgrow you and leave you behind and it was impossible to not think that now.

 

Maybe you weren’t first anymore.

 

Albus seems to sense what you are thinking, because he’s always been good at it and he reaches up to brush aside your fringe. “I’m not leaving you, I’ll always come back.” His words feel like punctures in your heart and you blink away the tears threatening to sprout at the corners of your eyes. His gaze is all over you, eating you all up like it’s the last time he’s going to see you and you cannot deny the broken sense of closeness that will soon separate you.

 

You cling to him like your life depends on it, and he showers you with kisses and whispers, “I love you” in your ear, and for just a little while, you can pretend you are still just Albus and Scorpius.

 

~

 

“I hate this.” You mutter darkly where you sit, perched on the end of his bed with your arms crossed petulantly across your chest.

 

You’re watching him pack, and every time he drops something into his bag it’s like a knife in your heart. When he glances up at you, you don’t miss the hint of regret in his eyes and you instantly feel guilty.

 

You’ve started coming to terms with the fact that Albus was leaving. You will never be able to accept it, but you will not begrudge him the opportunity to pursue his dreams… _much_.

 

“I wish you would put yourself in my suitcase.” He says and smiles wryly at you.

 

“I love you, standing all alone in a black coat.” You chime in a bit sadly, but you smile anyways because you can’t help but love him for trying to cheer you up.

 

“The time will fly by, just watch.” He says this as he’s pulling you closer for a hug and you silently contemplate his words as your chin rests on his shoulder. You want to believe him, but you seriously doubt that the months that are about to separate you will feel like anything but sheer and utter torture.

 

“You’re going to miss my birthday.” You hadn’t meant to bring this tiny fact up, but you can’t help it. You had made him promise he would never miss your birthday back in that tent hidden by the lake at Hogwarts and now here you were, about to face your first one alone in years.

 

“Shit.” He mutters and you can tell by the sound of his voice that he hadn’t realized.

 

“It’s okay, you can make it up to me, yeah?” You pull back and offer him a smile, your fingertips brushing across his cheek in an attempt to twist his frown into a smile because you can’t stand to see any more guilt on his face.

 

“You can count on it.” He mutters a bit dryly and you smile wider even though the sound breaks your heart.

 

~

 

 

“But I don’t want to be _free.”_ You’re standing on the great lawn outside your house, hands on your hips as you glare at Albus who is looking a bit desperate for you to understand what he’s trying to say.

 

“I just mean that I want you to be free to do what you want while I’m gone. It’s unfair to ask you to wait for me.” He’s watching you from beneath dark lashes, gauging your reactions. Giving you permission to sleep with other people is the very last fucking thing that Albus wants to do, but he does it because he feels like he has no choice. And it really _isn’t_ fair to expect you to wait.

 

“I know what you meant.” You shoot back flatly and then you turn away from him and take a few steps in the opposite direction.

 

Everything inside of you feels like it’s shaking with anger. You aren’t sure what brought about this conversation but you don’t like to think about what Albus means by it.

 

He wants you to tell him you will fuck other people while he’s gone, so he doesn’t have to feel guilty when he does it.

 

The mere idea of someone else’s hands on Albus makes your stomach turn and when his hand touches your shoulder you flinch because this scene is becoming all too familiar for your liking.

 

“You want to see other people then?” You ask coldly, your back still to him. You remain outwardly still even though your insides are screaming and you wait, utterly terrified to breathe.

 

“I’m only thinking about you.” He says a bit sadly and you can tell without even looking that he’s hanging his head in shame; which is oddly pacifying.

 

“Are you?” You snap and then you flip around, narrowed eyes fixed on his nose because you can’t quite stand to look him in the eyes.

 

“Yes. It’s not fair to you.” He heaves a sigh as he speaks and you want to be affected by his sadness, you really, _really_ fucking do, but you force yourself to carry on instead of fall apart. Because you think it is what he needs to hear.

 

“Fine.” You say finally, and the moment the word leaves your mouth you want to take it back.

 

~

 

 

 

“I love you.” His murmur is broken up between tears that mask the excitement that he feels about every other aspect of this adventure. He doesn’t want to leave you, but he knows that if he doesn’t he will never be able to live his life the way he wants to. 

 

You both need this. That is what he tells himself when he leaves with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder.

 

“Break a leg.” You say to his retreating form and then you wave and watch the only boy you could ever possibly love walk out of your life.

 

~

 

Your last year of Hogwarts should be filled with the impending excitement of adulthood and the attainable freedom that is nearly in your grasp. Instead, your last year of school is tainted with his absence that leaves a hole so big you might never be able to cauterize the wound.

 

Albus writes you every three days with stories of his adventures from the road and you miss him so desperately that you cry in the darkness behind the shuttered curtains of your bed.

 

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

 

You fill your return letters with color and happiness that you don’t feel because you don’t want to add to Albus’ guilt. He is following his dream and you would never sabotage that for him. You have forced yourself to come to terms with the separation for him, and you endure for him. And when he returns you will smile, for him.

 

His letters about life on the road with his band become increasingly shorter. He never says anything specific about the _others_ but you are not stupid; you know they exist.

 

You had made a pact with each other before he left, a very specific pact. And although you knew that no random face on the road of Albus’ life without you would have the distinct pleasure of having him like you do, it didn’t make it any easier.

 

When Scamander finds you in the back of the Library you don’t even bat an eyelash, and when he forces you up against the back of greenhouse seven, you let him because you think that the pain of sex without love will be better than nothing at all.

 

He is hardly gentle and you hardly care.

 

~

 

It’s been four months since Albus left and winter holidays hit you like a ton of bricks. Your father is going out of the country with Uncle Theo for the Christmas, something about New York in December that you don’t bother to try and understand. You are supposed to spend the two weeks with your mother, but you owl her and tell her you’re staying at the school instead and you are hardly surprised when she doesn’t object.

 

The Slytherin dorms are like a ghost town, you are literally the only one that stayed for holiday and the solitude is welcome misery. You spend your days curled up by the fireplace in the common room reading or watching the window into the lake in hopes of catching a glimpse of something that might shock you.  You sleep in Albus’ bed every night and even though it doesn’t even smell like him you still feel closer to him than you have in months.

 

There is a fading purple bruise on the back of your knee that you have taken to poking because the faint discomfort of not-quite-pain is distracting. Scamander’s shoe left this particular beauty behind, and you are suddenly ashamed and rather glad that Albus is far away and can’t see you now.

 

Christmas comes and goes and you hardly have it in you to care. You know you shouldn’t be so pathetic but you can’t help it.

 

It wasn’t a lie; you really _don’t_ know how to live without him. 

  
When the year ends, you are quietly thankful and your New Year’s wish is that Albus comes home.

 

~

 

 

It’s in a hotel room the following month when you see him again, and his light shines a spotlight on your entire world and mutes out the shadows. You spare him the details of your self-pity and his words against your throat elicit all the best reactions from you.

 

When you lie him down on the bed, you don’t mean to take him so hard but you are just _so_ damn happy to see him and you don’t know any better.

 

It doesn’t take long for you to fall back into place beside one another and by the end of the day, you are as happy as you’ve been since last August.

 

This time when he leaves, he takes you with him and you don’t care what happens next, as long as you’re together because _together_ is the only way you want to live.

 

 

 

 


End file.
